Back in 2007 a little known movie called Transformers hit theaters to some success. Enough that, apparently, a sequel was in order. Enough of the understatement. Transformers was big. Really big. The budget was big, and the box office revenue was bigger.

But popularity does not directly translate into quality. (I'm looking at you, Hinder) I have a laundry list of problems I had with the first movie, and for your reading pleasure, I'm going to list them all! As an added bonus (and the main point of this little blog thing) I'm going to compare the problem with the first movie with the second, to see if Michael Bay decided to rectify (or aggravate) the issues. Readers, sit down and roll out!

Problem: More people than robots

Let me count: off the top of my head, I can think of well over twenty human characters that were at least somewhat developed. What about robots? Eleven. You get over two useless (and probably annoying) humans (yuck) for every Autobot or Decepticon.

Solution? Yes, this problem is solved! In Transformers 2, there are just about thirty robots and eleven people. Thank Gawd. Not only that, but the robots do a lot more of their robo-pugilism. That's a huge improvement.

Problem: Too. Many. God. Damn. Sub-plots.

I know last time I counted, but I really don't even want to know how many sub-plots were in that movie. There's Sam trying to make money, Sam trying to "get the girl" (I don't think he cares which one), the government tracking alien transmissions, one of the government hackers getting another non-government hackers to decipher the transmission, the Secretary of Defense doing his thing, the soldiers trying to go home, one of the soldiers trying to talk with his wife and newborn... GAH. I give up! Where are the robots? Oh wait...

Solution? Yes! Whoever wrote this decided to keep the sub-plots to a minimum this time around, and they're actually connected. And they make sense. :O

Problem: The movie managed to offend just about every person on the planet

Do I really need to put much detail into this? There were more racial stereotypes in Transformers than in The Birth of a Nation.

Solution? I can imagine this conversation happened some point during planning:
Studio Exec: Michael, some people were complaining that Jazz was a racial stereotype. And that your portrayal of basically anybody non-white was also offensive, especially Anthony Anderson's role.
Michael Bay: Hmm... I'll take your Jazz and raise you Mudflap and Skids!
Exec: Who?
Bay: These guys!

Exec: ...Whatever. I had a pretty strong horse tranquilizer today.

I'll argue that these two were more offensive than every potentially offensive scene in the first movie put together (including the difficult Middle-Eastern phone technician). Ramon Rodriguez's character didn't do much to reinforce the positive aspects of Spanish-speaking peoples, nor did John Turturro's for the Jewish community (I didn't even know he was Jewish until he said something about shmitzing bagels). But goodness, the twins. If Jar Jar was basically a blackfaced alien, the twins are suburban wigger-bots. If I had a digital copy of the movie in front of me, I would edit out every scene with the twins (and a lot of other scenes) that I could, and replace all the twins dialog with Tchaikovsky. Out of sight, out of mind...

And while I'm on the subject...

Problem: Women are treated as objects

Megan Fox's role was basically looking pretty.

Solution? Desexycon, anyone?

If that isn't subtle, I don't know what is.

Problem: ZOOM OUT.

The first Transformers movie had a lot of really cool action scenes. ...That you couldn't see. The camera, which was either zoomed in too far or jumping around too much to see what was going on (by the way, the camera rarely stayed on one shot for more than two seconds), made the action scenes almost unenjoyable. Ironhide's missile flip probably best represents this issue, since all that black and silver metal twisting around looks like a mess.

Solution? Yes! The action scenes the in the second go 'round improved astronomically thanks to drastically improved cinematography. The battle in the woods was especially fun to watch, since the camera was so zoomed out, you could see three or four 'bots on screen at once. Awesome!

Problem: Shia LeBouf has the lead role.


Solution? He dies. HA!

Problem: Product placement out the ass

Why does Airforce 1 only carry Mountain Dew? And do we really care who made the blond Australian hacker's thumb-drive? (Sandisk, by the way) Of course not! I'll give the movie this: GM makes perfect sense. After all, in a movie about robots turning into cars, somebody has to show off their latest vehicles. Besides, the film being littered with product placement shouldn't be too much of a surprise, since lots of people simply TiVo or DVR ads away. What better way to advertise the Xbox 360 than by making it come alive and attack somebody in a movie? (I still keep an eye on my 360 when I sleep)

Solution? How did the college freshmen get a Mountain Dew machine in their third-floor dorm room on the first day? And why do I want to buy an LG touch-screen phone with V-Cast?

Problem: Unrealistic portrayal of high school and high school life

What town has a scenic lake that all the preppy/jock kids flock to? And in this day and age, I don't think social cliques are really that well established. The entire high school scene in the first movie seemed.... off.

Solution: What do you expect?

Sam's Astronomy 101 prof would probably get fired after that first lesson (statutory rape is illegal, you know). And who can afford that elaborate of a frat party? My favorite part was how one of Ramon Rodriguez's friends was carrying a bong around at all times and looked like he didn't know what to do with it, so he held it against his mouth for good measure.

Problem: Is it over yet?

The first movie is 143 minutes long.

Solution? The second movie is 150 minutes long. If you're like me, you'll fast before seeing it. That way, you don't have to worry about bathroom breaks in the third act.

Problem: Too much low-brow humor
I can understand slapstick. I can understand bathroom jokes. But I cannot understand how stupid the humor was. Bay really needs to decide if he's making a movie for the people buying the toys or the people who bought the toys when they were young.

Solution? There's a Decepticon with a penis gun and you see robot balls.

"Robot balls" should wrap this up pretty well. Overall, the second movie improved on the first one in some major ways. There are more robots, fewer humans, and more emphasis on the main plot. Here's hoping that Bay can make a decent franchise awesome in round three.

Yes, I'm still alive. Now prepare yourself for the unexpected.